What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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