Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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