and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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