One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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