Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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