I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You're like the curious george of whores
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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