just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize