The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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