When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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