I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
