Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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