So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
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The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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