There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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