is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize