i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
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i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
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that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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