I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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