Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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