we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
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We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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