I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Apparently you make a good broom.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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