...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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