Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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