Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
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Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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