Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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