I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
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You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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