Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
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There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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