I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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