I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
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How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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