I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
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I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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