i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
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All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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