Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize