You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize