Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize