There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They took my balls.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
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At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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