just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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