we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
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Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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