Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
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Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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