so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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