I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
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They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize