I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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