you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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