he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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