He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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