True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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