I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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