He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
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Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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