The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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