I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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