After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
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Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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