ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize