K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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