I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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